Warped Memory?

Today Cheyenne had soccer practice.  Bright and early she had called my mother to see if she was going to go watch her.  It was her last practice so she wanted her to come watch.  My mom agreed.  I felt another awkward event coming on.

At the practice I stood next to my mom while Joe stood was a few families down. I am not sure why I stood next to her. I really do not get along with her that well.  Maybe it's because she was there alone and my dad didn't show up with her, I don't know.  Maybe it's because she's my mom and I just felt obligated.

We were talking about many different things and she ended up asking me if I was aware of an incident about one of Austin's substitute teachers accusing him of cheating on a test. I had not heard this.  Supposedly he had his notes on the floor behind his desk not where he would've even been able to see them while a test was being taken.  Long story short, this happened this last week while he was with his dad and I'll be working it out with him to make a visit to the school to talk about this. Austin is a honest, excellent student and I would hate for him to be labeled in this sort of way of he wasn't cheating.

The topic changes when my mom asks me if I remember a similar incident when I was on elementary school when a peer I despised told the teacher I had an open book. My mom recalled I had already finished my test and I had gone back and looked in my book to make sure I had an answer right and I was accused of cheating.  She also recalls it was a big deal because I could've gotten kicked off the cheerleading squad.  I didn't have a dishonest bone in my body. 

I told my mom I didn't remember this situation and told her I must have mentally blocked out all of that period of my life because I hated it so much.  I do remember coming home crying many times from the bullying I would endure.  Bullying was not a fashionable word back in those days.  It was just kids being mean to each other.  And it was private Catholic school.  You would think it would've been better because families that send their kids to Catholic school in fact, uphold Catholic and Christian values at home, right? That they teach their kids to be kind to others and not mistreat others, right? Pffft.

I was not the popular kid and I got picked on a lot by several boys and girls.  I was picked on for my eyes because they would cross and my hair, and whatever else they could find.  I was not a fighter and I don't remember ever fighting back.  I was scared of being in more trouble if I did fight back. I remember telling teachers and nothing would change.  I remember telling my mom and she would never do anything.  I told my mom how I remember coming home crying and begging to be taken out of that school and put in public school but she always laughed it off. 

I find it hard to believe something I was so traumatized by as a child, is not acknowledged by my own mother.  I know for a fact I remember coming home right after school and crying at the kitchen table while I did my homework about what had happened during the day (many times) but apparently my mom recalls nothing of this and even went as far as to think I made this all up?!?!  Are you freaking kidding me?  Whose memory is failing them here?   Could she seriously not recall any of this? Or did she ignore me so much that she honestly thinks this never happened?  Sure I had a couple friends, friends I valued more than anything back then. Again, we weren't the popular kids but we were good kids.  We did not treat anyone badly or pull people's hair or called people names.

Anyway.

About half way through practice Joe went and sat in the car.  At the time I knew he walked off but I didn't notice I had a text from him.

"Not sure if I upset you but honestly I was not prepared for you to sit next to your mother over me. Your mom treats you like shit and I treat you good but yet you stand next to her. Thanks again for making me feel worthless"

When I got back to the car and saw the message and immediately apologized.  He does treat me good - he comforts me repeatedly when it gets to the point that my mom has brought me to tears over stupid shit and I actually do not know WHY I would choose to stand next to her. 

WHY?

It's been a little over an hour and we are still not speaking. This happens sometimes and ironically when its situations involving my mother and things she has said or done to disrupt my family.   I need to be more conscious of MY family unit and to hell with everyone else that threatens our peace.

Why I distance myself

Things have not changed with my mom.  The same thing happens again and again.  Things go good for a little while, I try to be friendly and do things with her to get along.  Then all of a sudden she says things that make me so angry I question why I allow this to happen to myself over and over again.  Recently, Joe went on a work trip to Denver.  Joe has only been away three times since Cheyenne has been alive and two of those were work trips.  This last time on a work trip, Cheyenne had stated that she missed her daddy and my mom's response was "How do you think the boys feel when they're away from their mom every other week?" 

...........

When you are a grown ass adult and a child tells you they miss someone your response should not be a question, asking that child how they think their siblings feel when they are away from their mom every other week (when they're actually with their other parent).  Clearly someone has not gotten over the fact that nearly 9 years ago, I decided to divorce my ex and at that time, because I could not afford an attorney to fight otherwise, my ex and I decided to mutually agree on 50/50 shared visitation.  Week on, week off between the two of us.  This is the way it has been since June 1, 2009 and it has not changed.  9 years is a LONG time to continue to hold a grudge with me for something like this. GET OVER IT ALREADY!  A more appropriate response should have been "I'm sorry you miss your daddy but he'll be back soon."  Anything would have been better than pushing your disdain for my divorce on my daughter that she has nothing to do with. 

...........

Then even more recently, we were attending Austin's soccer game.  Unfortunately, Austin's team was losing and not performing their best.  At this particular game, Joe had come and so did Blake, my stepson.  Because of the nastiness he has endured from my parents for the last 9 years, Joe distanced himself and sat at a bench several feet behind all of us sitting on the sideline.  My actual preference would that he be sitting right next to me, but I understand why and I am just thankful he's there to show support to my son.  At the time, Blake had come up, given my parents a hug and asked them how they were doing and simply commented on how the other team was doing so good.  Cheyenne was sitting with me too at the time and had also made a comment about how at one point it seemed our team was not going in the right direction.  Again, children stating actual facts, that the other team was doing better and ours not playing in the right direction.  My mother held on to that for 15 to 20 minutes until she completely blind sighted me with a nasty comment about how they don't support Austin and they are talking "down" about him and that "I (referring to me) only hear what I want to hear" in the nastiest tone.  I was so caught off guard I had to ask her to repeat what she was spewing.  So embarrassing to me that the people next to me heard this.  It's almost like a disobedient child that you should apologize for their behavior if they acted out in front of people.  Anyway, toward the end of the game my dad made a comment about how bad our team was doing and I told him not to dare say a comment like that, even though it's the truth.

...........

Several months ago, she unfriended me on Facebook, wow, like that's the ultimate dis... just like a child would do.  I'm sure she did this because it disgusts her to see that I am having a happy life after divorce and that I have a healthy loving relationship with Joe and that our kids are thriving and doing very well in school. God forbid she see posts of us having fun as a family.   Then has the nerve to drill the boys about what we're doing and where we're going every minute of every day... well if you wouldn't have removed yourself you would be in the know. I am actually glad she did.  I used to see pity posts on her responses on my family's and friend's posts about what wonderful daughters they were and how they do so much for their parents and how lucky their parents are to have them as daughters. And to others what great daughters they because of how much they involve their parents in their children's lives, that their grandparents were so lucky.  Maybe if you weren't such a hateful nasty person you'd be more involved.  But, when you continually attack my relationship, my blended family and can't hold your tongue as an adult when MY children speak to you, it will never happen.

This is always twisted around to me how ungrateful I am, but actually, I am very grateful. I am grateful that they raised me to be a strong woman and not to put up with anyone's shit. It's not about them adopting me at birth and spoiling me completely rotten by giving me everything under the sun.  Who knows what my life would have been like had I stayed with my birth family. As far as spoiling me rotten all my life, I am grateful for that too.  It was an amazing childhood.  I had way more than I ever needed.  My parents have always spoiled my kids too, the cycle continues.  I beg her not to do so much but she does what she wants regardless of what I ask.  I am accused of making my children feel bad about getting such nice things from my parents when all I am trying to do is get them to realize that they should be humble and not ask for unnecessary things they don't need.  After all, I am their parent and should have a say when they are purchased things, especially things they don't need, things they don't know how to operate, gaming systems that require memberships to play and all kinds of other crap that then forces me to be responsible for that I know nothing about.