Warped Memory?

Today Cheyenne had soccer practice.  Bright and early she had called my mother to see if she was going to go watch her.  It was her last practice so she wanted her to come watch.  My mom agreed.  I felt another awkward event coming on.

At the practice I stood next to my mom while Joe stood was a few families down. I am not sure why I stood next to her. I really do not get along with her that well.  Maybe it's because she was there alone and my dad didn't show up with her, I don't know.  Maybe it's because she's my mom and I just felt obligated.

We were talking about many different things and she ended up asking me if I was aware of an incident about one of Austin's substitute teachers accusing him of cheating on a test. I had not heard this.  Supposedly he had his notes on the floor behind his desk not where he would've even been able to see them while a test was being taken.  Long story short, this happened this last week while he was with his dad and I'll be working it out with him to make a visit to the school to talk about this. Austin is a honest, excellent student and I would hate for him to be labeled in this sort of way of he wasn't cheating.

The topic changes when my mom asks me if I remember a similar incident when I was on elementary school when a peer I despised told the teacher I had an open book. My mom recalled I had already finished my test and I had gone back and looked in my book to make sure I had an answer right and I was accused of cheating.  She also recalls it was a big deal because I could've gotten kicked off the cheerleading squad.  I didn't have a dishonest bone in my body. 

I told my mom I didn't remember this situation and told her I must have mentally blocked out all of that period of my life because I hated it so much.  I do remember coming home crying many times from the bullying I would endure.  Bullying was not a fashionable word back in those days.  It was just kids being mean to each other.  And it was private Catholic school.  You would think it would've been better because families that send their kids to Catholic school in fact, uphold Catholic and Christian values at home, right? That they teach their kids to be kind to others and not mistreat others, right? Pffft.

I was not the popular kid and I got picked on a lot by several boys and girls.  I was picked on for my eyes because they would cross and my hair, and whatever else they could find.  I was not a fighter and I don't remember ever fighting back.  I was scared of being in more trouble if I did fight back. I remember telling teachers and nothing would change.  I remember telling my mom and she would never do anything.  I told my mom how I remember coming home crying and begging to be taken out of that school and put in public school but she always laughed it off. 

I find it hard to believe something I was so traumatized by as a child, is not acknowledged by my own mother.  I know for a fact I remember coming home right after school and crying at the kitchen table while I did my homework about what had happened during the day (many times) but apparently my mom recalls nothing of this and even went as far as to think I made this all up?!?!  Are you freaking kidding me?  Whose memory is failing them here?   Could she seriously not recall any of this? Or did she ignore me so much that she honestly thinks this never happened?  Sure I had a couple friends, friends I valued more than anything back then. Again, we weren't the popular kids but we were good kids.  We did not treat anyone badly or pull people's hair or called people names.

Anyway.

About half way through practice Joe went and sat in the car.  At the time I knew he walked off but I didn't notice I had a text from him.

"Not sure if I upset you but honestly I was not prepared for you to sit next to your mother over me. Your mom treats you like shit and I treat you good but yet you stand next to her. Thanks again for making me feel worthless"

When I got back to the car and saw the message and immediately apologized.  He does treat me good - he comforts me repeatedly when it gets to the point that my mom has brought me to tears over stupid shit and I actually do not know WHY I would choose to stand next to her. 

WHY?

It's been a little over an hour and we are still not speaking. This happens sometimes and ironically when its situations involving my mother and things she has said or done to disrupt my family.   I need to be more conscious of MY family unit and to hell with everyone else that threatens our peace.

Why I distance myself

Things have not changed with my mom.  The same thing happens again and again.  Things go good for a little while, I try to be friendly and do things with her to get along.  Then all of a sudden she says things that make me so angry I question why I allow this to happen to myself over and over again.  Recently, Joe went on a work trip to Denver.  Joe has only been away three times since Cheyenne has been alive and two of those were work trips.  This last time on a work trip, Cheyenne had stated that she missed her daddy and my mom's response was "How do you think the boys feel when they're away from their mom every other week?" 

...........

When you are a grown ass adult and a child tells you they miss someone your response should not be a question, asking that child how they think their siblings feel when they are away from their mom every other week (when they're actually with their other parent).  Clearly someone has not gotten over the fact that nearly 9 years ago, I decided to divorce my ex and at that time, because I could not afford an attorney to fight otherwise, my ex and I decided to mutually agree on 50/50 shared visitation.  Week on, week off between the two of us.  This is the way it has been since June 1, 2009 and it has not changed.  9 years is a LONG time to continue to hold a grudge with me for something like this. GET OVER IT ALREADY!  A more appropriate response should have been "I'm sorry you miss your daddy but he'll be back soon."  Anything would have been better than pushing your disdain for my divorce on my daughter that she has nothing to do with. 

...........

Then even more recently, we were attending Austin's soccer game.  Unfortunately, Austin's team was losing and not performing their best.  At this particular game, Joe had come and so did Blake, my stepson.  Because of the nastiness he has endured from my parents for the last 9 years, Joe distanced himself and sat at a bench several feet behind all of us sitting on the sideline.  My actual preference would that he be sitting right next to me, but I understand why and I am just thankful he's there to show support to my son.  At the time, Blake had come up, given my parents a hug and asked them how they were doing and simply commented on how the other team was doing so good.  Cheyenne was sitting with me too at the time and had also made a comment about how at one point it seemed our team was not going in the right direction.  Again, children stating actual facts, that the other team was doing better and ours not playing in the right direction.  My mother held on to that for 15 to 20 minutes until she completely blind sighted me with a nasty comment about how they don't support Austin and they are talking "down" about him and that "I (referring to me) only hear what I want to hear" in the nastiest tone.  I was so caught off guard I had to ask her to repeat what she was spewing.  So embarrassing to me that the people next to me heard this.  It's almost like a disobedient child that you should apologize for their behavior if they acted out in front of people.  Anyway, toward the end of the game my dad made a comment about how bad our team was doing and I told him not to dare say a comment like that, even though it's the truth.

...........

Several months ago, she unfriended me on Facebook, wow, like that's the ultimate dis... just like a child would do.  I'm sure she did this because it disgusts her to see that I am having a happy life after divorce and that I have a healthy loving relationship with Joe and that our kids are thriving and doing very well in school. God forbid she see posts of us having fun as a family.   Then has the nerve to drill the boys about what we're doing and where we're going every minute of every day... well if you wouldn't have removed yourself you would be in the know. I am actually glad she did.  I used to see pity posts on her responses on my family's and friend's posts about what wonderful daughters they were and how they do so much for their parents and how lucky their parents are to have them as daughters. And to others what great daughters they because of how much they involve their parents in their children's lives, that their grandparents were so lucky.  Maybe if you weren't such a hateful nasty person you'd be more involved.  But, when you continually attack my relationship, my blended family and can't hold your tongue as an adult when MY children speak to you, it will never happen.

This is always twisted around to me how ungrateful I am, but actually, I am very grateful. I am grateful that they raised me to be a strong woman and not to put up with anyone's shit. It's not about them adopting me at birth and spoiling me completely rotten by giving me everything under the sun.  Who knows what my life would have been like had I stayed with my birth family. As far as spoiling me rotten all my life, I am grateful for that too.  It was an amazing childhood.  I had way more than I ever needed.  My parents have always spoiled my kids too, the cycle continues.  I beg her not to do so much but she does what she wants regardless of what I ask.  I am accused of making my children feel bad about getting such nice things from my parents when all I am trying to do is get them to realize that they should be humble and not ask for unnecessary things they don't need.  After all, I am their parent and should have a say when they are purchased things, especially things they don't need, things they don't know how to operate, gaming systems that require memberships to play and all kinds of other crap that then forces me to be responsible for that I know nothing about.    

    

I have a dream..

Today my oldest son' s teacher stopped me and had to talk to me about a little writing assignment they had this week in which she prefaced by saying, "I don't want to upset you..."

I knew this was  going to be just great.

In honor of Martin Luther King Day the class was asked to write a small paragraph about something they dream about. My normally very quiet child wrote about how his dad doesn't get along with his mom and that his wewa (my mother) doesn't get along with his stepdad and that he just wants it all to stop.

It broke my heart.  The problem is, I'm in total agreement with him.  My ex and I will probably never get along as best as we should, I try to remain as neutral about him in   front of the kids as much as I possibly can and my only hope is that one day they will be able to come to their own conclusions. As far as my mother and Joe, both of then are too stubborn to work it out for the kids. I have put in the towel with trying to get them to knock it off. No such luck.

So I've decided that I will just have to continue to accept the turmoil in my life and will hope my children will understand someday soon that sometimes adults just can't get along and that's just the way things are. Hopefully no matter the bad things these two adults say about each other either to the kids or while the kids are in earshot,  the children will know the truth themselves. They are super smart. I have no doubt it will happen one day.. just hope it's soon.

What gets me is that neither one of them will budge, knowing it continues to hurt both me and the kids.  What does that say about them? What does that say about me?  Is that me continuing a long cycle of emotional abuse and allowing my children to be exposed to it also? I do love my mom, she is my mother.. she adopted me when my birth mother had to give me up. I do love Joe, he's such a great person, he helped me realize I was in a terribly verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and has treated me like a princess since day one. I wanted him to be a role model for my children so they would know how a true, loving family unit should be. He is the person I want to grow old with and I'll steal his words "I want to hold hands and walk down the beach with you for the rest of my life".

I debated telling my mom about the letter but I did and of course, she expresses that she has no responsibility in this and that everyone else needs to change.. of course, why did I even bother?

Yeah.. I have a dream.. that I could just click a button and this all go away.

Crossed eyes.. this cannot be happening.

We've been noticing something that has been occurring more and more with Cheyenne lately and it's breaking my heart.  Cheyenne's eyes have been randomly crossing and I am fearful for what she will have to go through as she gets older.  I was born with an eye condition where my eyes crossed and before I was 6 months old I had already had one surgery to try to correct it. It didn't work. I had to wear glasses since as far back as I could remember and contacts after that. I remember the torment I had to go through on a daily basis at a PRIVATE CATHOLIC elementary school and I don't want that for my daughter.  Kids are cruel, more cruel than you can ever be.  While I'm sure there were other things than my crossed eyes I know that was a class favorite.

I dreaded going to school every day because I didn't want to deal with it.  You would think that at a CATHOLIC school the PARENTS of most of those other children would have instilled manners in their children and would have taught them how to be kind to other classmates, but no.. those were probably the same parents that had enough money to send their snotty children to a private school hoping that the school did their dirty parent work. Maybe I'm a little neurotic about it because I've been on the receiving end a little too much before but my children go to public school and I threaten their lives if I ever hear them say something mean about another child. My boys are very respectful and kind to other students and I hope they always stay that way.

Cheyenne also has had this hemangioma on her cheek practically from birth.  Early on, people have looked and asked what it was and the boys even know that it's something she has that she cannot control and the doctor says it will fade away more and more as she gets older. I'm also dreading this thing not fading away before let's say second or third grade when kids start to realize their ability to be a follower and attack other children verbally and mentally. Now the crossed eyes. I swear to God this child is the sweetest, most outgoing almost-two-year-old child I've ever seen and I hope she doesn't let any snotty-nosed I'll-raised classmates tear her down. I'm going to do everything I can to raise my daughter to be strong and fight back and not be a victim.

She will be going to her first eye appointment very soon and I hope that we can be given some vision therapy like eye patches or other exercises to make her muscles stronger. I've already attempted to see how she will do with glasses and this little girl is going to put up a fight to wear those things. I just don't want her to ever have to go through what I went through and she deserves better.

One Year, One Month, and Two days in counting...

Not that I want to rush my sweet little angel through her terrible two's or anything... but I'm hoping that the next year, month and a couple days FLY BY with warp speed.  I will be working my hardest to get Cheyenne potty trained so that THEE DAY she turns THREE her little bottom will be in Voluntary PreK-3 and my day care costs will drop significantly.  I'm extremely thankful for the daycare situation I have going for her right now, but it's killing us.  There is nothing I can do about it though.. there is no possible way for me to NOT work.  I really envy families that that can have a mom or dad stay at home especially at the end of the year when I see how much I've spent in day care and before/after school care.  I am very thankful that Cheyenne does have the opportunity to be with her sitter Ana because she is learning so much by interacting with others her age and younger and even learning Spanish.  I'm also thankful she gets to spend time with Joe's mom too because she has taught her so much and Blake is so smart and does so good in school which I'm sure was due to all her early help since she watched him too. 

I also hope that within this same time frame, that we are finally in a house (that we can actually fit in) and out of this god forsaken apartment.  We need to be back in Wesley Chapel so that I'm not driving 72 miles every day just to take my kids to and from school.  This way, my daily mileage will change to only 36 miles each day... and if I get to work from home again in the future, even less mileage.  Also, I feel like I can count the hours on one hand for the amount of sleep I've gotten in the last two nights because of my heavy-footed upstairs neighbor.  He hasn't been blasting his music lately but he surely does make up for it in stomping around and slamming doors at all hours of the night and morning.  It wakes up Cheyenne too because she'll wake up a couple times a night whining and pointing to the ceiling and saying "Noise!"  I'm sure the boys will like a bedroom without a community stairwell on the other side of their wall too.   I'll also miss driving by the trash compactor that works completely fine and lazy people dump their shit two feet away from it... then other people think it's broken too or they just don't check then their shit starts to pile up too until the grounds people pick up every one's trash the next day.  I'll miss the office staff misplacing my rent into other residents' accounts and putting eviction notices on my door.  I'll miss my neighbors that can't seem to park straight into a parking spot, I'll miss people running into the gates with their vehicles causing them to be stuck open or closed.. oh yeah.. that is quite special during rush hour in the morning.

Anyway... I know that I've made better choices this year and have done things to free up as much money as we could for our family, and we're still on track, sometimes a little more behind than I'd like to be, but we're still on track.  I keep telling myself we will be even better after we get our tax returns and even more is paid off.  Or.... if someone would just like to give me about $10k they have laying around I'll gladly watch my daughter grow up as slowly as possible and enjoy every minute of it :) :) :) :)

I need medication.

I feel that I am overly emotional about things, more than the average person anyway.  For example, it was recently the Christmas season.  I have a children's CD that I keep in the car during the holiday that we purchased last year.  It's a Phineas and Ferb Christmas Album which features the various cartoon characters singing both classical Christmas songs as well as some re-makes with their own lingo and comedy.  Instead of "Frosty the Snowman" it's "Perry the Platypus" and instead of the normal "Twelve Days of Christmas" it's a version of silly things from the show that you would understand if you watched the cartoon.  Very cute for the normal person.  Teary eyes for me (not sad tears, happy tears lol). 
Then we were just at Sea World yesterday with Blake and Cheyenne.  We watched the Shamu show like we always do when we go there.  They put together this really cute pre-show story of how as children, the Shamu show staff dreamed of working with the animals and grew up to do so, etc. Me? had the sunglasses on hiding the teary eyes.  Sure I know it's all a work.. and maybe I'm a little angry with them that they got to pursue their lifelong dream but still.. are the tearworks necessary?  I can forget watching shows like Extreme Home Makeover or Extreme Makeover.. there is not enough night firming cream to conceal the puffy eyes! 

Then comes the rage.  Like today.. today during my lunch break was my second trip to the post office this week in attempts to pick up my Certified Mail (let me add that I have to drive through my first most despised intersection Fowler and 56th Street, and then most elderly populated area of Temple Terrace where it's impossible to find a turn lane to actually get into an establishment that you need to go to without u-turning).  Anyway... First time I went, on New Years Eve, I get all the way there after 1pm and I see a sign on the door that says they closed at 12:00pm in observance of the Holiday.  Let's just say that in 34 years of life I have never had to go to the post office for anything on New Years Eve and would never have imagined that they would have closed early.  What kind of gig is this a government office? LMAO... So anyway... I go today on my lunch break, the next possible chance, wait in a 15 minute line which was expected, but I'm then told they cannot find my letter.  They acknowledged it was there, and it was somewhere, but they couldn't locate it.  I was very cordial with the lady as it wasn't her fault and gave her my contact info should she eventually be able to locate it.  I work in a customer-service type atmosphere and if anything, it has taught me both great patience with other customer service people, but a very LOW tolerance for those that have the "I hate my job so I'll do anything to suck attitude".  BUT......... the whole reason I was there making my second trip in two weeks was because I GOT PHOTOGRAPHED AGAIN MAKING A RIGHT TURN AT A RED LIGHT WITHOUT MAKING A COMPLETE STOP.  Yes, again as in it happened before (at the intersection of Fowler and 56th Street LOL).  The Certified Mail was in result of not having $158 to pay the initial bullshit notice I got in the mail after making a right turn on a red at another intersection where I was unaware there was a red light camera. Had I known there was one there, I would have taken back roads and completely avoid the area at all costs in order to AVOID having to contribute to this private agency shakedown that these red light cameras are.

Anyway...  So I didn't have $158 at the time of the original notice.  What makes these people think I can then pay DOUBLE in another month?  Geez Louise people....  I'm having to profit some company in Arizona because thousands of other idiots in the past would run red lights and cause accidents?  I have an extremely clean driving record and have not been in a car accident since I was 16 and fishtailed my mustang on wet roads into a parked car when I was trying to speed around a senile man in a conversion van, which mind you, was riding down the middle of two lanes.  Yes.. I might have had road rage back then and it's only gotten worse as I've gotten older and have less tolerance of people on the roads... but that is even more reason than any that I need medication.  That and the fact that a moderate $80 isn't enough to get me tipsy on New Years Eve at one of my favorite bars solidifies the fact that I need something very scheduled by the government in my life to get me right.  Now that I have insurance again I will be making my appointment! WOOT WOOT

Report Cards.. Ouch..

I have been debating posting something about this, but I need to get it off my chest.  My oldest son is in third grade and my youngest is in first.  Their first report cards of this year were not the best.  Sure, while everyone celebrates their children here are mine with mediocre report cards :/  I have been thinking long and hard about how to approach this with them.  They know that making good grades is important to me and they know that they need to do well in school if they are going to grow up to be successful and to do what they want to do with their lives.  When I got their report cards last week I was in complete shock.  Their progress reports mid-semester came back fine, nothing out of the ordinary, in fact, making steady progress!  So why does the report card come out and say otherwise? 

I see their work come out of their book bags every day and I check everything over.  I speak to them about what they did and what they could have done better.  I always encourage them to do the best they can and if something looks like crap I crumble it up and make them do it again.  I feel that I take an active role in helping them with their homework, but maybe I could have done more. 

Of course, I think I can confide in my mother and share this situation with her and immediately it’s my fault.  It’s my fault because I CHOSE to get a divorce and I CHOSE to agree to the custody situation that I agreed to, which left the kids half the time with their father.  I’m sorry, but I know a handful of people who grew up in broken homes and they turned out to be JUST FINE..  Plus… I don’t consider my home broken at all.  Sure… I’m not with the boys’ father, but my house is very complete, loving, and caring.  Sure.. I’m not able to control what goes on at their father’s house, but I do know that from asking the kids, he does look over their homework and has to sign off on it every night, so he’s at least doing the minimal.  Anyway.. I cannot believe I have do deal with her ignorant accusations.

The main problem at hand is that I their report cards weren’t great and I know we need to somehow do more.  I cannot remember being back in first grade, but I can remember my oldest son being in first grade and all of the kids in that class had terrible handwriting.  Since Christian’s lowest marks were in handwriting and writing understandably, am I wrong to print out pages for him to trace letters and numbers and make him complete the same sheet over and over every single night until his handwriting improves? I don’t want to be too hard on him but I’m not going to have him bring home another report hard with an “N” in handwriting!  I might make the older one do it too just to improve his too.   Dang.. and I remember  growing up in grade school, the boys in my class ALWAYS had terrible handwriting.  

 

I also know I wasn't a Straight A student by any means. I worked hard and my parents encouraged me the best the could and I got in trouble if I brought home anything under a C... but it happened...  In fact, I was terrible at reading comprehension in elementary school. I was even worse at math!! I did better in math in college than I ever did in earlier school.  Thankfully Austin is a whiz at math and that is his strong subject.  He had great teachers in kindergarten and first grade which I think propelled him in a good direction.  I'm worried about Christian though. He is not as sharp as his math as Austin was in first grade and I know that's bad to compare kids, but I am not sure he got the same boost that he desperately needed. They both had the same kindergarten teacher, but not first.

I refuse to believe having had a divorce almost four years ago and having successful report cards since then – has anything to do with them having “Not so good” report cards this time around.  It just means I have to work harder and try to encourage them the best I can.  Anyway…  I just really want what’s best for them in life.. I want them to have it easier than me and I want them to not let anything get in the way of their success like I did.  Hard example to set for them when their father didn’t even finish high school and makes 4x more than me.  What a jerk.  I wonder if it’s too late for me to take up the air conditioning trade.  Sure I would crawl around sweaty in an attic to quadruple my pay.